2/21/2007

- stressed -

this time i really am. not yet reach my maximum yet but im optimizing the stress level shiftin the 'indifference-curve of stress' to the higher level of utility. arghh... i jus had a discussion of econometrics tut. i left halfway and broke down.

i totally cant catch whatever my two team mates have been discussin, totally lost. so i decided to retreat and left. man... i feel so yucky of myself man.

tests and presentations are coming up soon, im like in a total blank of what is goin on in class. and these are my core modules. i wouldnt deny im a rather slow learner, it takes me more time to understand stuff than others. gosh...

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Japanese is really 'tai hen', addin to my total mess. arghh... felt so pek cek totally.

my work as well, i felt that im lettin my emotion over my responsibilty. my students are takin exam soon 1st march 2007. one of them im not so worried. the other is givin me real headache.

she can tell me 'WHO CARES' when i said, 'if u carry on liddat, u'd fail'. gosh i almost died upon listening. she is super smart, jus that she hates listening to instructions. she never does what she was told to. she likes doin things her way. BUT this is an exam leh, im not the examiner man.

i seriously wish her luck. i have been goin through her 3 pieces like nth millionth time, repeatin the same mistakes. it depends on her mood to play well or not. i was hopin she would be in a pretty good mood on the day of exam.

if i were to give up teachin piano one day, she'd probably be the first one i would drop, nonetheless she'd too be the first one i would miss most.

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talkin about piano, i really really think i have learnin disability. my piano is gettin in my way as well. im learnin things quite slowly. my piano teacher, i know, is gettin quite pek cek of my playin liao. i seriously dono what kinda 'sound' she wants. i tried all sorts of playin i still cant please her, in fact i cant even please my self. my fingers are rather stiff i tihnk. arghh

with my present standard i felt that im bluffin my way through my students somehow. perhaps im not that qualified. but thinkin of givin up, i definitely wont want to. arghh...

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ok i know im gettin overly pessimistic and i guess this would last for some time. i would try to shine myself brighter, wearin brighter colours? lol

my bro came up to me sayin, 'jie, u lost alot of ur smiles and laughters recently.'

only then i realise what i have been clownin away infront of friends are very fake. i donno. perhaps im startin to put on masks again.

...and so the story continues...

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